


The Captain Squad Unites

by StorytellerSecrets



Series: Chat Fics That Literally No One Asked For [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (But It's From The Dollar Store So Yanno), CAPTAIN SQUAD, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Group Chat Fic, How Do I Tag, Humor, I Blame Tumblr, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Iwaizumi's the weird uncle, M/M, Memes, Most Everyone Is Ace, Multi, Other, Protective Sugawara Koushi, Team Dad Sawamura Daichi, Team Mom Sugawara Koushi, Texting, The good KUSH, Tumblr Memes, but that won't matter until chapter three, chat fic, idk - Freeform, if there is a chapter three?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2019-07-24 22:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16184447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StorytellerSecrets/pseuds/StorytellerSecrets
Summary: Kubro: so we had this ideaDadchi: guys its like four in the morningBokubro: so we had this ideakaneki kenma: well isn’t that a rare occasion





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Or: Yet Another Chat Fic That Literally No One Asked For

**@Bokubro** added **@Kubro** to **Bro Chat™**

 

 **Bokubro:** bro

 

 **Kubro:** bro~

 

 **Bokubro:** so i had this idea

 

 **Kubro:** what’s your idea bro

 

 **Bokubro:** a captain’s chat

 

 **Bokubro:** just you, me, and the other captains

 

 **Kubro:** all of them?

 

 **Bokubro:** i mean no but most of them

 

 **Kubro:** who?

 

 **Bokubro:** okay bro but just imagine this: you, me, oikawa, and karasunos captain

 

 **Kubro:** i love it

 

 **Kubro:** there’s just one slight problem

 

 **Bokubro:** what is it?

 

 **Kubro:** we’d kill each other

 

 **Bokubro:** aww your totally right

 

 **Kubro:** but alas, i also know a solution

 

 **Bokubro:** what is it bro

 

 **Bokubro:** tell me

 

 **Kubro:** their names are akaashi, kenma, iwaizumi, and karasunos third-year setter

 

 **Bokubro:** oh my god i can see it now

 

 **Kubro:** bro do you want to do the honors

 

 **Bokubro:** bro i do but i dont have their contacts

 

 **Kubro:** guess ill just have to do it then :/

 

 **Bokubro:** :////////

 

 **@Kubro** added **@Perfection™, @Dadchi, @Akaashi, @kaneki kenma, @Iwaizumi,** and **@Sugar** to **Bro Chat™**

 

 **@Kubro** re-named **Bro Chat™** to **Captain’s Squad**

 **Kubro:** so we had this idea

**Dadchi:** guys its like four in the morning

 

 **Bokubro:** so we had this idea

 

 **kaneki kenma:** well isn’t that a rare occasion

 

 **kaneki kenma:** now that you’ve made your stupid chat go the fuck to sleep

 

 **Kubro:** don’t mind him. kenma always gets grumpy when you wake him up

 

 **Akaashi:** Bokuto, I have to agree with Kenma. We all have practice in the morning, so it would be more than wise to go to sleep now.

 

 **Bokubro:** aww ur no fun

 

 **Sugar:** go. to . Bed. :)

 

 **Bokubro:** fine but only because you high-key terrify me

 

 **Sugar:** :)

 

 **Kubro:** night losers

 

 **Perfection™:** Excuse you ur moms a loser

 

 **Kubro:** How DARE. I am OFFENDED. Good NIGHT.

 

 **Perfection™:** Nite ;

 

 

 

 

 

 **Kubro:** Guys kenmas bullying me help

 

 **Perfection™:** well im sure its deserveed

 

 **Kubro:** why wont you love me

 

 **Perfection™:** Because u stink lol

 

 **Kubro:** but i just showered

 

 **kaneki kenma:** love is dead and i hate my boyfriend

 

 **Kubro:** but why babe i thought we were in volleyball together

 

 **Perfection™:** ASDJKFHS IN VOLLEYBALL TOGETHER LMFAO no wonder he hates you

 

 **Iwaizumi:** dumbass you proposed by asking me if id spike for you forever

 

 **Kubro:** fucking LOL

 

 **Perfection™:** fuck you iwa-chan

 

 **Perfection™:** you cant fucking sit with me today

 

 **Iwaizumi:** jokes on you i cant sit anywhere today

 

 **Perfection™:** because you have hemeroids?

 

 **Iwaizumi:** no??? because you fucked me so hard last night i cant sit down

 

 **Kubro:** oh my fuck tmi

 

 **Iwaizumi:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 **Sugar:** well good morning everybody

 

 **Sugar:** how did everyone sleep?

 

 **Perfection™:** sorry that operation is not available in this location please try again

 

 **kaneki kenma:** sleep? who dat?

 

 **Akaashi:** Same.

 

 **Kubro:** but you were the one bugging us about sleeping last night?

 

 **Akaashi:** Because someone has to do it.

 

 **Sugar:** _softly,_ damn, y’all live like this?

 

 **Akaashi:** Bold of you to assume were alive.

 

 **kaneki kenma:** bold of you t

 

 **kaneki kenma:** damnit

 

 **Sugar:** _even softer,_ **_d_ a _m n  y ' a l l  l i v e  l i k e  t h i s_**

 

 

 

 

 

 **@Bokubro** changed **@Bok** **ubro** ‘s name to **@Brokuto**

 

 **Brokuto:** ah yes this is much easier on my eyes

**Brokuto:** anyways kenma why were you mad at kuroo

 

 **kaneki kenma:** fucker woke me up

 

 **Kubro:** it was three in the afternoon

 

 **kaneki kenma:** its a weekend

 

 **Kubro:** that’s inhumane

 

 **kaneki kenma:** waking me up was inhumane

 

 **Kubro:** oh my g o d im sorry kenma

 

 **kaneki kenma:** yes and you should be

 

 **Akaashi:** Kenma?

 

 **kaneki kenma:** yes

 

 **Akaashi:** Do you need help burying a body?

 

 **kaneki kenma:** potentially

 

 **Akaashi:** Just text me the details.

 

 **kaneki kenma:** fuck you kuro im marrying akaashi

 

 **Akaashi:** Suddenly, I’ve been engaged. Sorry, Bokuto.

 

 **Brokuto:** noooo akashdji please don’t go

 

 **Kubro:** “Pllleeaaaase Don’t Goooo~~”

 

 **Brokuto:** but then ill have to marry kuroo

 

 **Brokuto:** and he snores

 

 **Brokuto:** loudly

 

 **Brokuto:** also he kisses like shit

 

 **Perfection™:** And you would know this how?

 

 **Brokuto:** dont tell me you never platonically make out with your pals oiks

 

 **Perfection™:** no and literally,, never call me that again

 

 **Brokuto:** damn man ur missing out

 

 **Akaashi:** Bokuto, class is starting. I suggest you hurry.

 

 **Brokuto:** shit GOTTA BLAST

 

 

 

 

 

 **Akaashi:** Kenma and I have decided to divorce each other.

 

 **kaneki kenma:** yes i love him but he is meant for another man

 

 **Akaashi:** That man is Bokuto.

 

 **Akaashi:** If he still wants me, that is.

 

 **Brokuto:** of course i do akasdhfkjii im just glad your not mad at me anymore

 

 **Akaashi:** It's *you're, Bokuto. And I was never mad at you.

 

 **Brokuto:** yay!!!! :)  <3<3<3

 

 **Akaashi:** ...

 

 **Akaashi:** <3

 

 **kaneki kenma:** yeah kuro you still suck

 

 **Kubro:** aww okay

 

 **kaneki kenma:** but i love you

 

 **Kubro** : o.O is this kenma admitting he has FEELINGS ABOUT SOMETHING???

 

 **kaneki kenma:** its fine if its you

 

 **Perfection™:** god your all disgustingly sappy

 

 **Iwaizumi:** I love you dumbass

 

 **Perfection™:** damnit now im disgustingly sappy

 

 **Perfection™:** <3

 

 

 

 

 

 **Dadchi:** siga do you jhave the childsren

 

 **Sugar:** I'm missing Nishinoya and Asahi.

 

 **Dadchi:** chkeck the broom closet

 

 **Sugar:** Wait, nevermind. I've found them.

 

 **Dadchi:** succking face in the closet?

 

 **Sugar:** _*nods*_ Sucking face in the closet like homosexuals sucking face in the closet.

 

 **Akaashi:** Sugawara?

 

 **Sugar:** Yes?

 

 **Akaashi:** That's gay.

 

 **Sugar:** Yes, it is.

 

 **Sugar:** How observant of you, child.

 

 **Perfection:** lol ur moms gay akashi

 

 **Akaashi:** Joke's on you; I don't have a mom.

 

 **Perfection™:** d a m n

 

 **Akaashi:** But I do have Bokuto's moms and I think that makes up for it honestly.

 

 **Kubro:** I love Bokuto's moms.

 

 **Akaashi:** I think that's a general mood at this point.

 

 **Sugar:** Hey, Akaashi?

 

 **Akaashi:** Yes?

 

 **Sugar:** I'm your mother now.

 

 **Akaashi:** Guys look at this cool new mother I've found.

 

 **Brokuto:** bro im so proud of you what a rare catch

 

 **Kubro:** guys but imagine like pokemongo but for catching parents

 

 **Akaashi:** _staring at my phone_ , wow, i suck at this game

 

 **Sugar:** _popping in from the Void_ , oh, but haven't you heard?

 

 **Dadchi:** guys class is in session

 

 **Akaashi:** Your point being?

 

 **Dadchi:** do your work

 

 **Akaashi:** I already did it.

 

 **Dadchi:** do more work

 

 **Akaashi:** make me

 

 **Dadchi:** dont make me come down there to whatever school it is you go to and make you do your work

 

 **Akaashi:** okay,  _dad_

 

 **Dadchi:** well, i mean

 

 **Sugar:** We are a pair, anyways.

 

 **Sugar:** Really, it's only natural.

 

 **Akaashi:**   _Guys I think I found a cheat code for this game._

 

 **kaneki kenma:** what game

 

 **Akaashi:** Find The Parent

 

 **kaneki kenma:** oh i suck at that game

 

 **Sugar:** Yeah So I'm Adpoting You, Too

 

 **kaneki kenma:** _lit_

 

 **Kubro:** Guys Class Is In Session

 

 **kaneki kenma:** bite me

 

 **Kubro:** if you insist

 

 **kaneki kenma:** oh fuck you

 

 **Kubro:** maybe later

 

 **kaneki** **kenma:** you have four seconds to start running

 

 **Kubro:** already halfway across town

 

 **kaneki kenma:** me too  >:)

 

 **Kubro:** SHit GUYS GOTTA BLAST SEE YOU FUCKERS IN HELL

 

 **Akaashi:** Today's been a long day.

 

 **Perfection™:** but it's only like 10:43

 

 **Akaashi:**   ** _It's been a long day._**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sugar: Yeah okay so YOu Are MINE Now
> 
> Sugar: No Returns
> 
> Dadchi: suga we cant' keep doing this
> 
> Sugar: You Can't Fucking Stop Me Daichi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's probably gonna be a third chapter but I'll keep it at complete just in case. No, I don't know what I'm doing and yes, I thought this fic was dead too.

**Sugar** : Hey @Akaashi how did you Ouran High School Host Club with Bokuto?

 

 **Akaashi** : ?

 

 **Dadchi** : ii'm not going to apologize for him. he can own up to hid own mistakeys n due time..

 

 **Perfection™** : "mistakeys"

 

 **Sugar** : My only mistake was not going to Ouran High School and joining their Host Club

 

 **Sugar** : i'd make a marvelous Host

 

 **Perfection™:** i feel that down to the bones in my toes

 

 **Sugar:** Now anyways Akaashi I'm asking how did you kiss kiss fall in love with bokuto

 

 **Akaashi:** To be honest, I became friends with him because I felt a little bad for him and then we kept hanging out and it turns out he was really cool and then one night we were watching a movie and he fell asleep next to me I just looked at him and my lizard brain went, "oh yes. This one. I want this one. This one im going to keep," and now we're here.

 

 **Sugar:** well shit

 

 **Sugar:** need me a story like that

 

 **Akaashi:** I feel like I'm going to regret this...

 

 **Akaashi:** But how did you "Kiss Kiss Fall In Love" with Daichi?

 

 **Sugar:** well it was really very romanic you see it all started on a sunny tuesday afternoon

 

 **Dadchi:** he hit me in the face with his backpack at school and then we hated each other for our first and second years and then we hung out after second year for the summer and then it turned out our anger was just Gay Energy

 

 **Kubro:** that's so fucking valid

 

 **Kubro:** kenma why dont we have a story like that

 

 **kaneki kenma:** because you're a fucking loser

 

 **kaneki kenma:** that's why

 

 **Brokuto:** oh are we talking about how we knew we were in Like with each other

 

 **Brokuto:** because I knew when Akaashi came over for a sleep over and he was wearing my tee shirt and I could just imagine him and me like that in ten twenty thirty a million years from now

 

 **Kubro:** thats sweet

 

 **Kubro:** I told Kenma I loved him the first time we met when he threw me a perfect toss when we were in grade school

 

 **Kubro:** he laughed at me

 

 **kaneki kenma:** well to be fair that was the first time anyone had ever said that to me

 

 **Sugar:** Yeah okay so YOu Are MINE Now

 

 **Sugar:** No Returns

 

 **Dadchi:** suga we cant' keep doing this

 

 **Sugar:** You Can't Fucking Stop Me Daichi

 

 **Dadchi:** babe plesae

 

 

 

 

 

 **kaneki kenma:** lol guys Akaashi just killed a man

 

 **kaneki kenma:** Akaashi was out shopping and he tried on this teeshirt dress and the cashier called it gay and he just handed over the money and went "yeah i sure hope it does" and moonwalked out of the store

 

 **Perfection™:** i cannot express how incredibly happy this makes me

 

 **Kubro:** how do you know this??? you're sitting right next to me and Akaashi is,, wherever Akaashi is

 

 **kaneki kenma:** lol

 

 **Kubro:** I'm? terrifeid?

 

 **Kubro:** babe?

 

 **Brokuto:** yes?

 

 **Kubro:** no the other one

 

 **Perfection™:** Yee?

 

 **Kubro:** fuck you guys I meant my boyfriend

 

 **kaneki kenma:** jokes on you you don' have a boyfriend you have a date mate

 

 **Perfection™:** oh worm?

 

 **kaneki kenma:** im too godlike for simple things like promouns to confine me

 

 **Kubro:** holy shi t

 

 **Kubro:** that's so profound and powerful guys look at my date

 

 **kaneki kenma:** wait no

 

 **kaneki kenma:** don't look at me

 

 **kaneki kenma:** i have uhhh crippling social nxiety

 

 **Akaashi:** Same.

 

 **Perfection™:** big worm

 

 **Kubro:** I mean i knew about you two but akaashi really? you always look so calm and collected

 

 **Akaashi:** I keep my face in a constant neutral expression to hide the equally constant internal screaming

 

 **Kubro:** that's so powerful holy shit

 

 **Kubro:** wait i forgot to say same about the social thing

 

 **kaneki kenma:** lol you guys think im socially inept have you met my boyfriend who once told our waiter "same" when she said have a nice meal and instead of dealing with it he just ran out of the restaurant screaming

 

 **Kubro:** look it was a stressful situation

 

 **Kubro:** I dont do well in those

 

 **Perfection™:** honestly we don't do well in any situation that isn't volleyball

 

 **kaneki kenma:** bold of you to assume I do well in volleyball

 

 **Akaashi:** Bold of y

 

 **Akaashi:** Oh. I've been defeated.

 

 **kaneki kenma:** you were a worthy foe

 

 

 

 

 

 **Sugar:** guys i think my therapist just came out to me

 

 **Kubro:** oh worm?

 

 **Sugar:** I was telling her about how Incredibly Gay i am and she just nodded and said "same. wanna see pics of my girlfriend" and i dont know why that was so incredible but it was

 

 **kaneki kenma:** lol its because we live a heteronormative world where gay people aren't usually seen a sucessful or prominent figures in society or something

 

 **Kubro:** "or something"

 

 **kaneki kenma:** i will divorce you

 

 **Kubro:** le gasp! and what of the children?

 

 **kaneki kenma:** suga gets them all

 

 **Kubro:** okay i was gonna fight for custody but that's fair.

 

 

 

 

 

 **Iwaizumi:** Oikawa just adopted a dog

 

 **Iwaizumi:** Her name is Quinn

 

 **Iwaizumi:** see he tries to tell you he’s a cat person but he’s _not_

 

 **Iwaizumi:** Oikawa Tooru is a liar.

 

 **Iwaizumi:** I don’t know why i’m telling you this

 

 **Kubro:** no no keep going

 

 **Kubro:** if you distact kenma long enough i can get away

 

 **kaneki kenma:** kuroo i literally just want to go see a movie

 

 **Sugar:** which one?

 

 **kaneki kenma:** the new IT

 

 **Sugar:** sweetie thats not new

 

 **Sugar:** it came out in liek 2017

 

 **kaneki kenma:** it is at the dollar theater

 

 **Sugar:** the what

 

 **kaneki kenma:** the dollar theater?

 

 **Sugar:** that’s not a thing

 

 **Sugar:** daichi tell them thats not a thing

 

 **Daichi:** iim just a captian. I dont know if thats a thing

 

 **Perfection™:** I went out for ice cream and a lesbien bookstore lady riding a motorcycle gave me a dog and a book full of swear words in other languages?

 

 **Perfection™:** anyways her name is Quinn and i love her

 

 **Perfection™:** the dog not the lesbien. I mean im sure shes fine too

 

 **kaneki kenma:** we know

 

 **Sugar:** hey super weird question but did you catch the lesbians name

 

 **Perfection™:** oh yeah it was Athena, thought it was kinda weird

 

 **Sugar:** pretty sure you just met my therapist’s girlfriend

 

 **Perfection™:** nice.

 

 

 

 

 

 **Brokuto:** guys akaashi came over wearing a dress and like flip flops and holy shit?? I didn’t knw i needed this in my life

 

 **Brokuto:** he’s currently playing with Billy my axolotl

 

 **Kubro:** holy shit i forgot all about billy how is he

 

 **Brokuto:** well i found out last week that billy has a girlfriend

 

 **Kubro:** srsly?

 

 **Brokuto:** he’s getting it on with the neighbors lizard

 

 **Brokuto:** Billy not akaashi

 

 **Dadchi:** what in the hell is an axolotl

 

 **Brokuto:** snake with a side of lizard

 

 **Dadchi:** okaaaay

 

 **Akaashi:** I’m going to fall asleep here.

 

 **Akaashi:** Right here is good.

 

 **Brokuto:** to clarify he’s on top of me

 

 **Brokuto:** im stuck

 

 **Dadchi:** Have a nice nap at three fifteen in the afternoon

 

 **kaneki kenma:** its that late? It’s sleep time already folks

 

 **Dadchi:** What Is Wrong? What Is Wrong With You.

 

 **kaneki kenma:** a lot of things tbh

 

 **Perfection™:** goodnight gays

 

 **Perfection™:** i meant guys but this works better

 

 **Perfection™:** now im gonna go explain things to my professor and pretend like I know what sexual attraction even fucking is m’dudes

 

 **Akaashi:** ?

 

 **Perfection™:** :) i :) need :) a :) nap :) and :) reports :) about :) sex :) stuff :) is :) stressful :)

 

 **Akaashi:** wat even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please love me because it makes my brain want to write or something.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kubro: lmfao dude ur ace?
> 
> Perfection™: no im a setter
> 
> Perfection™: I thought that was pretty obvious I mean all I do is talk about how good of a setter I am?
> 
> Perfection: Kuroo how did you not know this???
> 
> Akaashi: guys ShuT UP I'M HAVING A MOMENT HERE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No i dont know what im doing yes there will probably be more chapters maybe but it'll take time and also if you're wondering if I'm setting up a ploypair somewhere I? dont know? This story has a mind of its own and I am merely its agonizing vessel. Anyways enjoy!

**Akaashi:** fuck this

 

**Akaashi:** I hate everyone.

 

**Brokuto:** what's wrong akaaaashi?

 

**Akaashi:** I can't believe the human race.

 

**Kubro:** ?

 

**Akaashi:** I'm moving to go live in the mountains with wolves.

 

**Kubro:** I mean thats valid but whymst

 

**Akaashi:** I dedicate my entire life to the human race and this is the thanks I get.

 

**kaneki kenma:** lol he learned about sexual attraction today

 

**Kubro:** whaddya mean "learned"

 

**Kubro:** Akaashi how did you legitimately not know about that

 

**Akaashi:** I'm dissapointed in all of you.

 

**Brokuto:** wait no babe

 

**Akaashi:** Bokuto.

 

**Akaashi:** Do you look at me and just go "me me fuck that"?

 

**Akaashi:** Is that what you do?

 

**Akaashi:** Is that how your mind works?

 

**Brokuto:** i mean yeah...sometimes?

 

**Brokuto:** do you ever go "me me kiss that" when you look at me? because my brain does that a whole lot more tbh

 

**Akaashi:** I mean yes but H O W

 

**Perfection™:** This whole conversation pretty much sums up my sex life

 

**Iwaizumi:** I mean,, he's not wrong

 

**Perfection™:** who needs sex when you can have like, disney movies

 

**Kubro:** lmfao dude ur ace?

 

**Perfection™:** no im a setter

 

**Perfection™:** I thought that was pretty obvious I mean all I do is talk about how good of a setter I am?

 

**Perfection:** Kuroo how did you not know this???

 

**Akaashi:** guys ShuT UP I'M HAVING A MOMENT HERE

 

**Akaashi:** Okay @all, raise your hands if you look at people and go "me me fuck that"?

 

**Iwaizumi:** my hand is raised

 

**Brokuto:** I'm like,, tentatively raising my hand?

 

**kaneki kenma:** lol nope

 

**Kubro:** I put my hand up.

 

**Kubro:** wait am i allowed to lie for this?

 

**Akaashi:** No.

 

**Kubro:** fuck

 

**Kubro:** I put my hand down.

 

**Perfection™:** fucking lmfao kuroo you're a fucking nerd

 

**Kubro:** hey I don't see someone raising their hand either

 

**Akaashi:** It's me.

 

**Akaashi:** I'm the someone.

 

**Dadchi:** I don't know why you're making me do this but I'm raising my hand.

 

**Dadchi:** I want you to know that this is very embarrassing.

 

**Sugar:** yeah im raising both hands ngl

 

**Akaashi:** Okay.

 

**Akaashi:** I don't know what to do with this information but okay.

 

**Akaashi:** Can I get a promise from everyone that raised their hands that they're not lying or pulling a prank. Like, do you actually experience that sexual attraction?

 

**Sugar:** oh yeah definitely

 

**Dadchi:** ...yes.

 

**Iwaizumi:** I'm just going to keep my hand up and call it good.

 

**Brokuto:** I??? don't know??? I never really had to thinkabout it??? maybe?? what is happening

 

**Akaashi:** Thank you. Now, am I to assume that the ones that didn't raise their hands are normal?

 

**Sugar:** I'm very confused right now sweetheart what's happening?

 

**Akaashi:** I am also confusion.

 

**Akaashi:** I feel like all of you are bullshitting me about the sexual attraction thing. Like, how. Fundamentally, how does that work?

 

**Sugar:** ooooooh

 

**Sugar:** akaashi do you know what aseuxuality is

 

**Akaashi:** It's how plants reproduce.

 

**Sugar:** no the other one

 

**Akaashi:** There's? Another one? Why.

 

**Sugar:** Okay. so, @all I need every asexual person right now to go to akaashi and explain The Sex Pull Shit

 

**Sugar:** because I'd love to help but honestly I'm super not equipped for that

 

**kaneki kenma:** the what

 

**Sugar:** sexual attraction

 

**kaneki kenma:** oh eww that

 

**Perfection™:** I'd love to come but we live far away?

 

**Sugar:** make an ace chat then? idk you do you guys just help the poor lad

 

**@kaneki kenma** added **@Perfection™, @Kubro,** and **@Akaashi** to **What Is Love**

 

**Kubro:** excellent naming choice

 

**kaneki kenma:** i know

 

**kaneki kenma:** lol should i add bokuto

 

**Brokuto:** i- Maybe????? I don’t know????

 

**kaneki kenma:** lol

 

**@kaneki kenma** added **@Brokuto** to **What Is Love**

 

**Iwaizumi:** well this can’t end well

 

**Dadchi:** itsll be fine

 

**Dadchi:** its noot like thyll break up or anythign

 

**Iwaizumi:** don’t fucking jinx it old man

 

**Dadchi:** we’re? hhe same age?

 

**Iwaizumi:** go take a nap

 

-:-

 

**Perfection™:** so people just go zoooooom zooooom im uuuuuh huuuuumaaaan and then scrreeeeeeeeeech is that a person? I want to fuck and that’s it basically

 

**kaneki kenma:** id slow clap but you’re not worthy of that kind of attention

 

**Perfection™:** id flip you off but we’re over text

 

**Perfection™:** just kidding im doing it anyway

 

**Akaashi:** what. The fuck.

 

**Brokuto:** I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

 

**Kubro:** bro

 

**Brokuto:** b-bro

 

**Kubro:** it’s like you know how you see people and want to fuck them

 

**Brokuto:** yes?? sometimes???? With akaashi??????

 

**Perfection™:** tmi

 

**Kubro:** yeah well bro you know how i don’t do that with kenma

 

**Brokuto:** i didn’t know that but sure

 

**Kubro:** okay well kenma doesn’t do that either but that’s besides the point

 

**Kubro:** what im saying is akaashi doesn’t do that to you

 

**Brokuto:** okay????

 

**Brokuto:** so????

 

**Kubro:** it means he might be ace. He also might be uncomfortable having sex

 

 **Perfection™:** lol what the hell is an ace

 

 **Kubro:** asexual?

 

 **Perfection™:** why the fuck are you calling it ace then

 

 **Perfection™:** no one calls it that

 

 **Kubro:** literally everyone calls it that

 

**Brokuto:** SO????? I DON’T UNDERSTAND

 

**Kubro:** THAT MEANS YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO HAVE SEX

 

**Brokuto:** OKAY SO WHAT

 

**Kubro:** ………

 

**Akaashi:** bokuto you’re doing great

 

**Perfection™:** i love how you’re only now losing the caps and punctuations kaashi

 

**Brokuto:** hey only im allowed to call him that

 

**Perfection™:** fair enough

 

**Brokuto:** I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WERE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION

 

**Akaashi:** I just don’t understand in general.

 

**Kubro:** people usually wanna fuck other people when they look at them. Some people don’t, roughly 4-5% dont, or they want it sometimes, or whatever. They’re called ace

 

**Perfection™:** asexual

 

**Akaashi:** But,, that’s plants?

 

**Perfection™:** the reality is all asexual people are potatoes and therefore plants and defy all logic, human nature, and science and are also gods.

 

**Kubro:** i hate to agree with oiks but yeah were too powerful for this universe

 

**Perfection™:** stop FUCKIGN calling me that

 

**Akaashi:** Are you saying I’m the weird one and it’s not everyone else that’s weird?

 

**kaneki kenma:** yeah pretty much

 

**Akaashi:** Alright. Okay.

 

**Akaashi:** But HOW the fuck do people do that?

 

**kaneki kenma:** lol idk 

 

**kaneki kenma:** ask bokuto

 

 **Brokuto:** I DONT FUCKING KNOW ASK KUROOO

 

**Kubro:** I’m still not really sure

 

**Brokuto:** I dont understand anything at all…

 

**Akaashi:** I am asexual. Probably. This will require some more research.

 

**Perfection™:** I have references!

 

 **Perfection™:** [ here](https://lgbt.williams.edu/homepage/10-things-you-need-to-know-about-asexuality/) [here](https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/gabrielsanchez/heres-what-its-like-to-identify-as-asexual) [here](http://wiki.asexuality.org/Asexuality) and you can go to aven

 

**kaneki kenma:** what in the unholy fuck is that

 

**Perfection™:** it’s like an online pride center but for ace/aro people

 

**Perfection™:** how do you not know about it

 

**Kubro:** he….doesn’t get out much

 

**kaneki kenma:** fuck you kuroo im marying akaashi

 

**Brokuto:** nooo not again

 

**Brokuto:** i didn’t even do anything this time

 

**Perfection™:** you could just be polyamorous

 

**Brokuto:** that’s not a word.

 

**Brokuto:** akaashi tell him thats not a word

 

**Akaashi:** I learned how to talk when I was seven how the fuck would I know if that’s a word.

 

**Brokuto:** alright fair enough

 

**Perfection™:** no its a word its when you date more than one person

 

 **Brokuto:** you cant do that

 

 **Perfection™:** on this godless plane of existence? we can do whatever the fuck we want

 

**Kubro:** that’s such a raw fucking line im printing it out and putting it up on my wall

 

**Perfection™:** im doing that with this whole conversation

 

**Kubro:** what why

 

**Perfection™:** im gathering intel :)

 

**Kubro:** o.O im terrified O.o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No don't expect an update schedule I am only but a gear amongst a machine of madness.
> 
> ((Also can you guys tell I like Akaashi)

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!


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